Opinion: Just like Cocaine
posted by Julia Voraz | April 18, 2023 | In News, OpinionThis article may contain triggers for survivors of abusive relationships. Please note that while the examples provided may target a female audience, they can be applicable to any gender, as abusers can be of any gender.
I hope you have never tried cocaine, and I haven’t either.
A friend of mine once told me that the first hit of cocaine can be amazing, but it only lasts for a few minutes, followed by a literal hell. She couldn’t stop until she had finished what she had, physical compulsion, and then for the next two weeks, she felt genuinely depressed. But that’s not all – she also experienced anxiety, fatigue, irritability, and intense cravings for more cocaine. Cocaine affects your brain physically. Prolonged use can alter your capabilities and, in a way, handicap your mind, causing deficiencies.
Do you know what else can feel amazing but have an impact on your brain with prolonged exposure?
Abusive relationships.
Our brain is a machine that produces hormones. How we sleep, eat, whether we exercise our body enough or not, and if we get enough sunlight every day, all of that determines the composition of our brain’s machinery. The people we relate to in our day-to-day lives also have an impact on our brain.
Now, imagine the person you most relate, the person who occupies your thoughts as “the one,” your partner. You are full of expectations and fantasies about them. But then, this person who used to be cute, loving, charming, sweet, and attractive, starts exhibiting behaviors that are clearly questionable: yelling at you, attempts to control who you speak to or what clothes you wear, consistent criticism of things that are important to you or displays of possessiveness or jealousy, refusal to respect your boundaries or personal space, manipulation or guilt-tripping, frequent belittling or derogatory remarks, refusal to take responsibility for their actions or blame-shifting, repeated instances of disrespect or dismissiveness towards your opinions or feelings, and patterns of controlling behavior, such as monitoring your activities or isolating you from friends and family.
I want to be realistic now.
Probably if one of those things happens, you will feel your intuition vibrating. Even if it’s very subtle, a voice inside of you knows that this is not right.
At that moment, there are two paths. Either you recognize this as a red flag, and you take your dignity under your arms and walk away. Or you stay and have your dignity hurt. If you decide to stay, like many decide, you will look back and wish you had chosen the other path.
Don’t think for a second that you are a rehabilitation clinic for misunderstood womanizers. It’s a trap. The color of the flag is red because you are going to pay a high price in tears, pain, and in many cases, blood. Is it worth putting yourself at risk to save someone you don’t even know well?
I believe that a better way to understand what is happening and how to deal with this situation is by understanding what is happening inside our bodies. Why is it so difficult to leave an abusive relationship? What usually happens in the beginning of an abusive relationship? And if a person decides to stay, what possibly can happen to them?
In the beginning of relationships, it’s typical to experience an initial phase of intense affection, attention, and flattery. However, in abusive cases, whether consciously or not, this could be a manipulation tactic used to gain control and create a sense of dependence. It’s important to note that the abuser may be aware or unaware of their behavior. This behavior can trigger the release of hormones and neurotransmitters associated with bonding and attachment, such as oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and vasopressin, leading to feelings of infatuation and emotional attachment. It’s crucial to be aware of these dynamics and recognize potential red flags even in the beginning of relationships.
Basically, your brain is being bombarded by a specific cocktail of hormones. You’re on a high, girl! This creates a heightened sense of euphoria, pleasure, and attachment in you, leading to a range of psychological and physiological response
Dopamine is indeed often associated with pleasure and reward. In the beginning, excessive attention, praise, and affection can trigger a surge of dopamine in the brain, leading to feelings of extreme happiness, excitement, and infatuation. This can result in a sense of being “addicted” to the relationship, constantly seeking the person’s validation and attention.
Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” is associated with social bonding and attachment. In the beginning, you may engage in excessive displays of affection, physical touch, and intimacy, which can trigger the release of oxytocin in your brain. This can create a sense of deep emotional connection and attachment, leading to feeling emotionally-bonded and attached, even if the relationship is unhealthy or abusive.
Finally, serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays a role in mood regulation. During the beginning phase, your partner may create a seemingly perfect and idealized image of the relationship, showering you with compliments, gifts, and attention. This can lead to an increase in serotonin levels in the brain, creating feelings of happiness, contentment, and well-being.
It’s important to note that the effects of these hormones can vary from person-to-person and may not entirely account for feelings and experiences in an abusive relationship.
The point is, when a person is facing abuse, whether it’s through raised voices or other forms, another cocktail of hormones is released into the bloodstream. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol can impact the body in various ways.
Adrenaline is a hormone that is released in response to stress or danger. It prepares the body for a fight-or-flight response, resulting in increased heart rate, heightened alertness, and muscle tension. This muscle tension can occur in areas such as the neck, shoulders, and other parts of the body, causing discomfort or pain.
Cortisol, often referred to as the “stress hormone,” is released in response to stress and helps regulate the body’s stress response. It can have widespread effects on various physiological processes, including metabolism, immune function, and inflammation. In some cases, elevated cortisol levels due to chronic stress can lead to gastrointestinal issues such as stomach aches, digestive problems, and discomfort.
It’s important to recognize that the effects of stress hormones on the body can vary from person-to-person, and prolonged exposure to stress hormones can have negative impacts on both physical and mental health.
Staying in an abusive relationship creates an addictive cycle. Violence and abuse are progressive, and as the initial phase of attention and affection fades, the abuse tends to escalate. The affected person may remain in the relationship, craving the positive feelings and hormones associated with the initial affection. It’s similar to how an addict seeks the next hit, but it’s never the same as the first one.
That’s the reason leaving a relationship with those dynamics is so hard. Our brain chemistry changes during the abusive cycle, and we become addicted to the chemicals that are created in our body during the initial stages, such as dopamine and oxytocin. When the abuse is happening and stress hormones like cortisol are elevated, our natural response is to seek what we felt in the beginning of the relationship. This cycle can be repeated multiple times, even over the course of years.
Prolonged exposure to an abusive relationship can potentially result in brain damage. The excessive release of cortisol and adrenaline over an extended period of time can shrink the hippocampus, which plays a role in short-term memory and learning. Additionally, the amygdala, which is responsible for processing primal emotions such as fear, anxiety, and decision-making, can also be affected. This can result in a constant state of fear and arousal, leading to severe anxiety and possibly panic attacks.
The more time we spend with someone who is deeply hurting us, it is common to justify staying in the relationship. However, the facts are clear. You are being treated poorly in a way that you do not want to be treated. Aside from the heartbreak, you are having your brain damaged.
But if there is a part of us that, even with all of that, still wants to stay, remember that we don’t need to be 100% done to seek our personal space. It’s possible to still feel affection for someone and make the decision to walk away.
If you have experienced an abusive relationship, you may now have a better understanding of some of the reasons why you couldn’t leave even when you were unhappy.
If you or a friend need professional help, remember that individual and couples counseling services are available on campus for students. You don’t have to go through it alone. In fact, isolation is often a classic symptom of a toxic relationship, so reaching out and reconnecting with people who care and love you can be the best step to take.
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