Affirmative Consent: Are Students Really Asking?
posted by Misha Thomas | November 25, 2015 | In OpinionGrowing up in a Christian home, abstinence-only was the norm for me. However, when I reached high school I assumed this would be the time I would have the opportunity to have my questions answered about sex, the misconceptions of it, sexual assault, and even consent. I was horribly disappointed. Aside from the basic anatomy of the male and female body, I received lessons on biology, but not sex, and certainly nothing about consent. The lack of education left my peers and I to learn and discover for ourselves what sex was. Whether it was through pornography, the media, or what our parents might or (more often) might not have told us.
So what is consent? It can be defined as wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement. Advances cannot be coerced, through use of threats, force or pressure. Psychological threats, emotional threats, and manipulation can be effectively used in terms of coercing behavior or action out of someone. Emotional coercion can come in many forms, whether it’s the use of guilt or implied threats to the relationship or to a person’s reputation. So can coercion be considered sexual assault? I believe yes, it can. It is a tactic used by perpetrators to intimidate, trick, or force someone to have sex with him or her.
Contrary to popular belief, men can be sexually coerced. There is an unspoken yet agreed upon myth that women are incapable of sexual misconduct since most of the discussion revolves around the question of women’s consent. She has to be the one to call the shots; she is the only one that needs to be asked, because men are assumed to always want sex by default. This presumption is just as dangerous because it opens doors to sexual violations, since the specific needs and desires of an individual are completely disregarded. The media depicts women’s attempts to manipulate men into sex as cute, comical, and always welcomed. This creates a problem; it sets up a power dynamic that undermines consent as an ongoing conversation between two partners.
Encouraged styles of communication vary greatly between girls and boys, women and men. Being polite, sweet, and unassuming is the most acceptable style of communication for women and girls to practice, while being loud, forceful and confident is the most glorified type of communication for men and boys to practice. It is no surprise that men are traditionally positioned in a place of power as the gatekeepers of consent. So what can be done in order to raise awareness? We must begin to recognize instances in which consent is being assumed where it does not exist. We must also communicate, listen, and hold ourselves to a high standard of sexual communication. This would also include creating classes for students on campus to freely discuss Sex Ed, communication skills, sexual assault, and misconceptions.
As we increase our standards for what constitutes our own consent, we must also grow more conscientious about obtaining unequivocal consent from others. We’re all capable of violating others’ boundaries, and we can only better respect them once we admit that and no longer dwell in ignorance.
Common Phrases Used to Coerce Others Into Sex
“I bought you dinner, now you owe me.”
“If you love me you would do this.”
“It bothers me that you’re holding back, we’re together so it’s okay.”
“Look, everyone is going to think we did it anyway.”
“ If you won’t do it, I’m going to find someone that will.”
“I thought you loved me I guess you don’t, I just don’t know if I can be with someone like that.”
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